Marriage And Intimacy

Dealing with your or your Spouses Sexual Past

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Every husband and wife has a bit of jealousy concerning his or her spouse's sexual past. Whether it has been shared or not, you are quite certain that you are not the first love interest. But, you are the one your partner chose to marry. You are the one who brings the love, friendship and satisfaction that your spouse sought. Give yourself permission and take the time to actually feel good about all you bring to the relationship. Now, as for dealing with your or your spouse's sexual past, there are a couple ideas.

First recommendation is that you both discuss this subject to determine how much you each care to reveal, or how much you must hear to feel content with sexual histories. If you can mutually agree to simply bury the past and start fresh with your marriage, this could be the least invasive and painful route. In order for this to work, you each must be open to releasing your past once and for all. Together envision your relationship history, then picture yourselves each digging a hole and burying those histories forever. Another means of elimination is to build a camp fire or even light a barbecue grill and toss in a piece of paper on which you have each written the names of past loves, toss the paper into the fire and watch it rid yourselves of these histories.

Second recommendation is that you, as a couple, discuss as much of your past sexual relationships as you feel is necessary to share. Most likely there is no need to go into specifics or into great detail. In telling your story, sensitivity toward the feelings of your spouse is recommended. This is a most delicate topic, since involuntary emotions surface. Be prepared for this to occur, so you may deal with them appropriately.

Should it be the case that neither of these work for you, then further discussion is required in order for you to decide what you each need to be satisfied and the best way to go about doing so.

Basically, what husband and wife seek is knowledge that he or she is fulfilling your needs, perhaps even more so than any of the prior love interests. As much as as you try to not be jealous in any way, it seems that it is human instinct to hold a bit of jealousy, even when you weren't even aware of each other at the time of past relationships. In order to invite as little jealousy as possible, focus more on today. How can you fulfill your spouse's needs? Have your discussed those needs? Certainly your spouse's actions should indicate how well you are doing. If necessary, it's okay to ask every once in awhile, but not frequently. You don't want to appear to be insecure.

Likewise, verbalize your sexual desires and non-physical needs. Perhaps a love note, a gift of a single flower or some small token of love is expected but not occurring. Say so. Be up front and honest. That's the only way to perfect your relationship. Ladies, men love these same special gifts too, even flowers.

You have been blessed with the gift of having met, fallen in love and married. Nothing in your pasts can change. Bask in your married love, treasure it. As for sexual pasts - what sexual pasts? They were erased from memory, remember?

More about this author: Joyce M. George-Knight

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