Couple Communication

How to get your Spouse to Admit an Affair



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How do you get your spouse to admit an affair? That's an interesting question, but why would you want to do that?

Take it from someone who once succeeded in manipulating a confession. I truly believed that he owed me the truth, but when he admitted it, that's when I began to lie to myself. Admitting infidelity does nothing to solve the issues which existed long before the affair. All a confession accomplishes is to make you feel victimized and worse than you did before he unloaded himself. I say, "him," only because I am a woman. Still, a cheater is a cheater, no matter what gender they may be. The story of infidelity is as damaging, either way.

Believe me, if you've made up your mind to bury your head in the sand where your marriage is concerned, you are better off pretending not to know what you already know. If, on the other hand, you suspect that your spouse is cheating, then he/she probably is. You can manipulate, connive and strive, force and threaten divorce to get a confession, but it will only leave you with more unanswered questions.

"When did it happen?"
"Who?"
"Why? Was she prettier than me? What did she do that I don't do?"

Do any of these questions sound familiar to you? You will want to know all the gory details, but the cheater can't or won't give them to you. The reason is that he or she does not have a clue. If they try to explain, it'll leave you even more confused.
"I didn't mean to."
"It just happened." That's the most common explanation. It's as if the affair was some kind of accident. Let me tell you one truth. A car wreck is an accident, but sleeping with someone else is a choice the cheater makes. Don't buy that line, or better yet, don't ask the question. It's a big mistake.

Personally, I used guilt to trick my ex-husband. I became as sweet as I should have been before the affair happened. I became the best wife he or anyone had ever seen. It drove him crazy, so he had to unload on me. Once his conscience was clear and free, all the ugly stuff he'd done was dumped onto me. Now he felt fine, and I began to lose my mind. Confessing an affair is a big waste of time.

Get your head out of the sand and make up your mind. If your spouse has had an affair, do you really believe that if he admits it, you'll feel better about your marriage or yourself? The truth is that every bad choice we make comes back to haunt us someday. If you want revenge, don't depend on him to admit anything. Just be the best person you can be, which means don't manipulate, lie or cheat. For every cheater, there's a spouse who helped to create the mistake. Take a look at yourself and ask, "Do I like what I see?"

In the end, the truth will come out. It always does, eventually. Save your sanity, time and energy on those things you have the power to control, which is first and foremost yourself. The rest will take care of itself.

More about this author: Vicki Phipps

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