Blended Families

Why some Men have Trouble Accepting Step Children



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It’s something your average police officer knows, so do most judges and lawyers; though it may not be something that most regular average people know, and that is, some men have difficulty accepting the children of a new wife.

And the thing is, there is a lot of leeway in the word “accepting.” For some men it might mean never feeling as if the child is theirs; for others, it might mean feeling anger at the very sight of a child living in their home that is not theirs.

But the question is, why? Why do some men have so much trouble accepting step-children into their lives, while other men seem to take to them almost immediately as if they were their own?

Clearly this is not a question that has a definitive answer, as when you are talking about feelings and emotions, there are no real rules that apply, only conjecture.

But clearly, one thing most would agree on, especially if they read the statistics, is that a lot of men do in fact have trouble dealing with a new instant family.

And the reasons for this may vary, but it seems that what is at the root of the problem is insecurity. In an age when men are no longer allowed to demonstrate their masculinity in physical ways, such as through demonstrations of strength or endurance, or by being able to beat up other men, or to dominate pretty much anyone, it sometimes becomes difficult to find that manly feeling that men need in order to feel secure with themselves. Then, when you add children into the mix, it can become volatile, as a man may come see these new children in his life as a constant reminder that his new wife had a previous sexual history with some other guy. And that right there might be the real actual problem.

Men as a general rule don’t like to think of their women as having had sex with anyone else; ever. It gets under their skin, makes them upset. It’s not jealousy though, although sometimes it might be if they have a feeling that prior men have done a better job of pleasing their woman. It’s more of a feeling of not really liking seconds, which is a crass way of putting it, but there aren’t many other ways. Most people understand the feeling of a child not being thrilled about wearing hand-me-downs, or of coming home to find that there is nothing to eat except leftovers from prior days. It’s second best, used, not as good. We all like virgin territory, but sadly, we can’t have that all the time, especially when it concerns our relationships.

And thus men find themselves torn; they’ve fallen in love with this woman that has one or more little reminders of how she is anything but a virgin. They want to be with her, even if it means dealing with her kids, but it’s a lot easier to think things will work out when there is still a lot of love and giddiness in the air.

And the end result is that some men figure out a way to deal with the situation and the mixed feelings, and some men don’t. And that’s just how it is.

More about this author: Sam E. Jones

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